“There is a hard law… When an injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive.” Alan Paton

We often hold onto anger, bitterness and resentment without realizing the detrimental effects on our own selves -- mental, physical and emotional. Forgiving starts with forgiving yourself and extends out to those closest to you, or those who harmed you in the past who can still trigger your anger or hurt. Forgiving can be a hard thing to do especially when the hurt runs deep; however, the one who forgives has everything to gain from it. The forgiver reaps more benefits than the forgiven, because of the burden that is released.

I like to think of forgiveness as an action or mental thought that I do actively. I imagine the person who I want to forgive and have a mental dialog with that person telling her how her actions hurt me and asking her if that was her intention. Often, it was not. I try to think about how it was from her perspective… was she going through a rough time? Was she afraid? Was she insecure? Can I find compassion for the mess she was in?

When I forgive another, I usually never tell him I have done so. What I have noticed is that our relationship begins to improve even though he may not have forgiven me… just the change in my own intention toward him or her, causes a positive shift in our interaction. I feel there is more acceptance between us, even if we don’t speak or see one another.

 Things to keep in mind when beginning a process of forgiveness     are:

 You, the forgiver, have the most to gain. Your mental, physical     and emotional well-being will be enhanced by letting go of a     burden that has weighed on you.

 You can successfully forgive someone even if they are not     present. You don’t have to exchange words, glances or     anything; you never have to bring up the issue that hurt you.

Forgiving someone for a hurt that runs deep may take some time; begin the process with your intention to let the past dissolve. If you find that you begin to harbor anger or resentment for this person at some later time, simply go through the mental forgiveness with that person again. It may take several attempts over a period of time.

If you could know the other perspective… why did he or she do that to you? Did he know it would harm you so? Was it intentional harm or accidental? It may be that the person who harmed you was not aware that it would affect you as it did; she may have simply been acting according to some principle that she believed was an appropriate response at that time.

Our beliefs of retribution, getting even or keeping the upper hand, create a burden of bitterness and those beliefs do not serve us. Even when the hurt inflicted was intentional and pre-meditated, you can forgive the person who harmed you and not have to interact or see him ever again. Again you are the one who gains peace of mind.

Don’t fall into the trap of believing that she does not deserve to be forgiven. Remember it is for YOUR own health and well being that you would choose to forgive. You are the one who can gain, whether or not he deserves to be forgiven.

 You can forgive without forgetting.

 You can forgive without telling the other party.

 You can forgive someone who is not in your life any longer.

 Forgiveness Defined

Forgiveness entails a series of changes that occur within an individual who has been offended or hurt in some way by another person. When individuals forgive, their thoughts and actions toward the transgressor become more positive (e.g., more peaceful or compassionate) and less negative (e.g., less wrathful or avoidant). In addition, forgiveness cannot be coerced, but must be freely chosen by the one who was wronged.

Reconciliation involves two people coming together again in mutual trust, whereas forgiveness is one person's choice to abandon resentment and offer beneficence in the face of unfairness. One can forgive without reconciling.

When one forgives, he or she rarely forgets the event. People tend to recall traumatic events, but on forgiving, a person may remember in new ways--not continuing to harbor the deeply held anger.

 Forgiveness Therapy

  Words on Forgiveness

  Forgiveness Stories

  Louise Hay's Forgiveness Affirmations

  The Heart of the Matter: How and Why Forgiveness is Good for Your        Health

  Getting to the Point of Readiness

If you read the front page story of the SF Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.

She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help.

Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her ... a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed gently around-she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate . to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you.

And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

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Crane Brushwork by Ou Mie Shu

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© 2006 Anita Vestal, Ph.D., MBA 

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