As we all know, all relationships confront difficult times. Even in the most supportive relationships we face periods of alienation. And, because such relationships are important to us, we may also become despondent or depressed when we are alienated. The major challenge, then, is not in avoiding all difficulties, but in knowing how to restore harmony in relationships.

pThe present researchers were interested in just this issue. What kinds of strategies do people in later life use to minimize bad feelings, and restore good will in relationships? In this study of a national, representative sample of over 900 adults were interviewed during a 70 minute session. Among the major findings:

 1) People who put a lot of effort into making relationships harmonious and enjoyable were more successful than those who did not. They had fewer negative social encounters than those who did not have such a commitment. Effort counts!

 2) When relationships are not going well, there was no strong advantage in asking others to help out or join in. One might say that it is generally better to treat problems in a relationship with the other person, than calling in outsiders to give an opinion.

 3) When tensions did develop in a relationship, two strategies were generally most effective:

     A) Focus on other areas of life that are going well. Talking only about the problem can make the problem even more burdensome than otherwise. Broaden the conversation to include good things about the relationship.

     B) Find ways to explain the problem that do not place the fault on either party alone. Finding fault in the other may only make the situation worse. Far better to find other ways to explain the problem, such as the external conditions (e.g. stresses, economy, childhood training.)

 4) Two strategies that did not seem as effective in reducing depression were devaluing the relationship, nor comparing oneself to someone even less fortunate.

From: Interpersonal control strivings and vulnerability to negative social exchanges in Later Life by Dara H. Sorkin & Karen S. Rook, Psychology and Aging, 2004, 19, 555-564

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© 2006 Anita Vestal, Ph.D., MBA 

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